At this moment, I have in front of me three pathology reports and another much thicker document given to me over a year ago. This document supposedly explains, in layman’s terms more or less, the findings in the first pathology report. I thought I understood its contents when first presented to me. Now, I am overwhelmed with questions – questions I am annoyed at myself for not asking a year ago.
Next to these papers sits a folder, over an inch thick, of unpaid medical bills related to my cancer surgeries and the various diagnostic procedures. It seems, after insurance has paid their portion, I still owe money to everyone but the butcher, baker and candlestick-maker, to quote an old nursery rhyme.
Due to recent developments that would take too long to detail in a letter, I woke up this morning intending to call my cancer surgeon with an answer she has been expecting. I met with her last week and my plan, as of earlier this morning, was to call her office to advise I would agree to a mastectomy after all.
I was actually at peace with the idea. Finally. And then I read those pathology reports again. Darn me anyway… Once again I was plunged into doubt and confusion about a decision only I can make. Sound familiar?
Optimal conditions for making this decision would be a clear head, an environment of peace and quiet and maybe a trusted friend to talk it over with.
Instead, I am alone, a man is jack-hammering the sidewalk mere feet from my front door, someone is running a power tool near my back balcony, and I am expecting the people in #236 to begin their daily, alcohol-fueled domestic disturbance any time now. And I have a headache, the third in as many days, probably due to the unusual winter weather still gripping the state of Florida.
I believe I can now more fully appreciate what you went through in deciding whether or not to accept the government-appointed (your first clue) lawyers who ended up betraying you so totally. I also believe I understand how significantly the pressure was increased when you received a letter from your mom strongly urging you to accept their help, though you already knew better than to trust them.
The pressure from family can be incredible. My sister is relentless… She doesn’t want to lose me, she says. Hell, I don’t want to lose me either, but it’s not her body about to be disfigured.
It’s so easy for others to “know” what we should do when it’s not their life hanging in the balance isn’t it?
Jackhammer-man must be on a lunch break and I am waiting for the Advil to kick in before returning to my pile of papers. Something tells me I won’t be reaching a decision today and I am constantly reminding myself that’s ok. After all, I set the deadline so I can move it too. I never actually told the surgeon I’d call today; I told myself that.
“TRUST US: WE’RE THE EXPERTS”
I’m really tired of hearing that. Experts, I have learned, don’t always have our best interests at heart. Experts can be bought. Experts can have hidden agendas. So can family members…
I wished, at the beginning of your ordeal, that I was rich enough and influential enough to hire you a real pitbull of an attorney. But I was not. And so here we are today, your decision made and its outcome known.
There are some who started out in support of your innocence who have now given up believing you will one day be exonerated and set free. Instead of going away quietly, they are hanging around Twitter trying to infect others with their doubt and fear. Their speech becomes quite ugly when supporters they like to target (like me) don’t pay any attention to them.
Those of us who will see this through until you go free have concluded these people are nothing more than government-controlled opposition. Their assignment has always been to pretend support for our cause (to help you), gather followers to themselves, and then slowly, subtly, change their message in order to finally sow doubt about your innocence, doubt about your chance at winning an appeal, and discord amongst those who know the truth. They seek especially to discredit and ridicule those like me who blog on your behalf. Even a long-time blogger is now showing clear signs of this deceitful behavior. But they will not prosper in their efforts. We are onto them.
We suspect some of them have created multiple accounts to support and compliment their own views and to attack those who disagree with them without looking like they are stooping to that level themselves. These sock puppet accounts have few followers and were created after your trial. There are other identifying hallmarks we see as well.
I hope it lifts your spirits to know ordinary people all over the world know you are innocent and will never stop fighting for you.
These controlled opposition people still prop up the idea that you are a Muslim, as this plays directly into the government’s narrative that you are a terrorist. Thy attack me as a Muslim-hater for suggesting you have become a Christian. There is simply no way to have any kind of meaningful dialogue with them. They are too fond of their name-calling and hateful rhetoric, too lost in the “rightness” of their position, so I and those with me ignore them.
You may have made an unfortunate decision to listen to that letter, go against your own instincts, and trust that first group of government-appointed attorneys, but that will not be the end of the matter.
In my own life-or-death decision concerning my health, I may not yet know if I will be going through the remainder of my life without a body part, but I do know I am becoming more and more whole as a person all the time. And I do know the outcome will be a good one, either way I decide.
And that is true for both of us. We have His word on that.
I will write more when I can, Jahar. In the meantime, be well and be strong. Jesus is Lord.